Miss Michy

(warning: long and contemplative in nature.  it’s been a while since i last blogged, and despite how sad-sounding the following may be, things have actually been really great, but as always, they can be better.)

someone will see me for who i really am, beyond my dreams and beyond my ambition.   or rather, see me for who i am with my burning need to achieve and say, ‘that’s okay. i can handle that’ - take the time to discover me, and then give me a run for my money.  challenge me, inspire me, make me aspire for even more than i already do.  and make me laugh while he’s at it, too.  is that too much to ask?    is there no one out there who is capable of all this and more?

he was, once.  but what’s done is done.

i see this quality in some (okay, very few) - but i don’t quite think i’m their type - which throws a spanner in the works.  or at least i assume i’m not their type, and immediately discount myself from standing a chance (this is often the saddest - and years later i tend to find out they actually did like me, and i feel really sad over missed opportunities sometimes.  so if you like me, this is your signal - tell me NAO, because i truly have no idea).  or they aren’t quite my type, which then makes the whole thing beyond contention because if i’m disinterested, then there’s no point.

but what is a ‘type’, anyway?  isn’t it just a preconceived set of expectations that we expect people to live up to?  do we discount people for one or two traits that don’t quite match our perfect list?  however, i’m not an advocate of dating down (meaning i believe that you should date an equal in intellect, if not someone more intelligent) so i will never just settle for someone.

of late i’ve been asked ‘why are you still single?’ a lot.  i laughed it off most times, saying ‘i wonder why myself!’, but i find myself thinking a little more about it of late.  yes, why?  it’s been a while since the last one, minus some things that looked like it may have developed but never really did.    am i not meeting the right people? am i missing out on signals (for the one hundredth time)?  i’m pleasant looking enough (meaning, not hot, but not ugly wtf).

i sometimes worry if i’m hard to love.   i’ve been told that i can be, mostly apparently because i intimidate people. but oh, i know of so many others that will take me forever to measure up to.  others whom i shan’t even try to measure up to, because they’ve achieved so much more than i ever will, by virtue of opportunity or extra smarts.  so i don’t see why i should intimidate anybody when in truth, there’s always going to be someone better than yourself.  and it’s your job to be inspired by that person, rather than envy them, and see how you can bring out the best of yourself.

but i am so much more than my resume. even if my dreams and desires for more define part of who i am, they don’t completely dictate my entire being.  for instance - i think many (or at least, those in my immediate surroundings) know me as this person who is driven and ambitious and smart etc. at least, that’s what i hear on the grapevine. and that’s fine, in fact, it’s so very kind and i’m honoured that they think that way.

but i am so much more - perhaps, in a way, so much less than that.  i feel like there are so many facets of my personality that people don’t really know about.  it seems that i seem to be this intimidating good grade-churning shopping machine to most, but that’s barely scratching the surface.

like how i scare pretty easily, and i’m a riot to be with at a horror movie/anything remotely gory/violent.  i can talk about almost anything - or listen appreciatively enough so that conversation flows no matter what.  contrary to popular belief, i’m intensely shy and reserved sometimes.  yet, i can be super confident when i need to be.  i hardly ever cry over personal problems, but i tear up really easily, sometimes even during sappy commercials.  i take my studies really seriously, or seriously enough, but i love having a good time too.    i love taking photographs, and writing little pieces that will never see the light of day.  i can be kiasu but i’d like to think it is tempered by my niceness.

i may spend quite a bit but never until i go into debt/can’t pay what i owe.  rainy days make me sad.  i take the words of people i love/trust at face value, but am highly critical of those i don’t.  i get myself trampled over sometimes because of this warm and trusting nature.  i don’t watch much tv but i read extensively.  i love to draw and doodle.  i am really bad at telling whether someone likes me or not, and more often than not i give people a chance, sometimes even when they don’t really deserve one.

i adore british comedy - if you can quote me monty python or make an eddie izzard/little britain/black adder reference, i’m probably a little taken with you already. i value wit and smarts and a good sense of humour above all.  i love too much and too deeply.  oftentimes, i don’t really think i’m pretty, but i’ve learnt to not refuse compliments.  i really like who i am and think i’ve got a pretty balanced personality.  when it comes to the nitty gritty i can be grounded and calm.

and even that’s quite surface-value stuff.

i’d like to think i’m good enough.  but maybe the same isn’t thought of me?   and if it isn’t, should it matter?  i don’t know why it’s been crossing my mind so much lately - i almost never think about these things - but i guess i’m just…confused.  or is my sense of self worth so complete that it seems like i could do without a significant other?  because that’s wrong.  it’d be nice to have someone in my corner, a hand to hold, instead of being accosted by the random stranger on the street.

am i lacking something crucial here?  as we say in our wunderbar game, is there a crucial question that i’m missing, some sort of oversight, some really obvious missing piece of the puzzle that i can’t place but is staring me in the face?

it’s the rain, i tell you.  it makes me sad.

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what does it mean to truly forgive and forget?  is anyone actually really capable of that?  i’m not talking about the pope, or nelson mandela, who seem to have extraordinary capacities for forgiveness.  i’m talking about ordinary beings like you and me, those prone to keeping scores and holding grudges.

how do we stop finding reasons to remember, and wholly forgive?

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i have so much on my plate, and so much on my mind.  this blog is largely dead thanks to my very busy schedule, and if ram is right, it will cease to exist in 2010.

that makes me sad, too.  this place means a lot to me, from it’s beginnings a few years ago.  i used to write more honestly then, and it was really quite raw, the outpourings here.  with age and discretion came more veiled, cryptic pieces, and sometimes i feel like there’s no point writing here anymore because i rarely get to say what i want to say.  the whole chunk above is the most raw bit of blogging i’ve done in a long time.

sigh.  time to get back to more work.   i miss october, it was such a great month.  i’m looking forward to my birthday, but i dread the possibility of still being swamped with work even then.  oh well.

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i should really get started on my 2000-word essay. this post is about 1300 words long, and had i dedicated the same amount of time i did to this post, i’d be at least 500 in by now.

back to work, for real.